Understanding People-Pleasing and Rejection Sensitivity in Neurodivergent Brains.

Many parents of autistic and ADHD children and teens describe their child as insecure, anxious, highly emotional, or deeply affected by feedback. These traits are often misunderstood as immaturity, defiance, or low confidence—but for many neurodivergent individuals, they are rooted in something called rejection sensitivity.

Understanding rejection sensitivity through a neurodiversity-affirming lens can help parents respond with empathy, clarity, and connection rather than confusion or concern.

What Is Rejection Sensitivity?

Rejection sensitivity is common in autistic and ADHD individuals. It occurs when the neurodivergent brain perceives potential rejection—real or imagined—as a threat, triggering a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

This means that a comment, tone, facial expression, or interaction that may seem neutral to a neurotypical person can feel overwhelming or deeply personal to a neurodivergent child or teen. The emotional response is real and intense, even if the perceived rejection was not intentional.

Why Neurodivergent Children Are More Vulnerable

Neurodivergent children often receive significantly more negative feedback about themselves than their neurotypical peers. This includes:

• Being corrected more frequently

• Being misunderstood or labeled as “too much,” “lazy,” or “difficult”

• Internalizing negative self-talk at a young age

Over time, these experiences shape how a child sees themselves.

Now add another layer: executive functioning differences.

Executive dysfunction can make it harder to:

• Perspective take

• Interpret another person’s intentions

• Hold multiple meanings in mind

• Regulate emotions during social interactions

When a child struggles to clearly interpret intent and has a history of criticism or misunderstanding, the brain learns to stay on high alert for rejection.

How Rejection Sensitivity Can Show Up

Over time, rejection sensitivity may lead to:

• People-pleasing or over-apologizing

• Masking or hiding authentic needs and traits

• Avoiding conflict or expressing opinions

• Intense emotional reactions to feedback

• Difficulty forming authentic relationships

• Chronic anxiety, burnout, or low self-worth

• Your child being friends with others who aren’t kind to them

• Your child being more worried about what others think of them than their own preferences

Many neurodivergent individuals become so focused on being liked or approved of that they lose connection to their authentic selves—often at a significant cost to their mental health. Many neurodivergent teens and young adults struggle with anxiety and depression as a result of RS not being addressed.

How Parents and Caregivers Can Help

Supporting a child with rejection sensitivity is not about “toughening them up.” It’s about creating safety, clarity, and trust.

Here are ways to support autistic and ADHD children and teens:

1. Lead With Reassurance

When pointing something out, preface with clarity:

“This isn’t a negative thing. It’s something I’ve noticed, and I value it.”

This helps regulate the nervous system before interpretation begins.

2. Praise Without Comparison

Avoid praise that compares them to others. Comparisons—even positive ones—can reinforce fear of failure or loss of approval.

3. Clarify Intentions

If a comment doesn’t land well, ask:

“How did that come across to you?”

Then clearly explain your intention. This helps build perspective-taking skills in a supportive way.

4. Be a Safe Processing Space

Allow space for your child to talk through interactions, feelings, and misunderstandings with you. This teaches them:

• They are safe

• Their feelings make sense

• They are worthy of connection and care

5. Be Genuine

Many neurodivergent people are excellent pattern-recognizers. Avoid exaggeration or insincere praise—authenticity matters. They can often sense when something feels “off.”

6. Develop Discernment

Help your child discern facts vs. feelings. Identify 3 truths they know to be real about themselves (positive attributes), 3 truths of the other person involved, and the feelings those elicit. Once they can identify triggers for negative thought patterns, they can advocate for different wording.

• “I appreciate your compliment, next time can you say it like this…. so I know it’s a compliment.”

A Final Note for Parents

Rejection sensitivity is not a flaw. It is often the result of a sensitive nervous system navigating a world that was not designed with neurodivergent brains in mind. Their brain deceives them into thinking no one likes them and they do everything wrong. You can help reverse this by complimenting their strengths, the beautiful parts of their brain, and helping them process rejection in a positive way.

With understanding, clear communication, and safe relationships, neurodivergent children and teens can learn that they are valued—not for how well they please others, but for who they truly are.

At Rooted & Rising Therapies, we believe growth begins with safety, authenticity, and honoring the way each brain works.

Other perspectives: https://reframingautism.org.au/the-unbearable-heartache-of-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/

https://chadd.org/adhd-weekly/rejection-can-more-painful-with-adhd/